You see this photo, this photo means so many things to me but the one that sticks out most is how far I have come, you see when my marriage to Edwardo ended, like many today admitting this, I tried to end my life and it’s not something that I have openly told my children and yes they can read this, they are aware mummy went through a terrible time.
One evening I just decided enough was enough, I don’t know if it was a cry for help but I came out of it the other side, I woke up alone and not a soul in sight (I later found out Edwardo stayed with me as long as possible). My clothes were all cut up due to the amazing hospital staff saving my life and this is when I needed help the most and do you know what happened next? I had to beg my parents to come and get me, my dad had to finish work before he could collect me and no one else was around to help me. I stood waiting in the cold for my dad, hospital gown on after going through a mini counselling session and being told I was drinking too much (I wasn’t). My dad took me home, not to his home back to the house I was still sharing with Edwardo and as odd as it sounded he was like my only friend back then but in hindsight I probably needed a few days away from him.
We had visits from social services to see if the children were happy and if I was fit enough to look after them and thankfully they could see everything for what it was, I wasn’t a drunk mum who tried to take her own life, I was a broken mum who didn’t have anyone else to turn too, apart from the person who was the reason I was hurting.
With time I got better, within a year I met Adam and everything else slotted into place, I was still in a very rough place emotionally when I met him but he helped me to rebuild myself and ironically so did Edwardo.
This is why being there for people when they are finding life difficult is so important, they might look like they are coping on the outside but on the inside they just want to die.
I’ve now seen the after effects of suicide and even though sometimes I get those feelings creep back, I know the people still here never stop hurting please don’t ignore anyone.
My best friend
The word mental health isn’t something I had even thought about until last year even though I have my own mental health issues, it’s never a word I ever used, it’s never something I put a ‘label’ on.
12th June 2017 I got a telephone call that changed my life forever, my best friend Becky had passed away and I immediately knew she took her own life.
A few weeks before she had split up with her partner and was taking it very badly, like any normal person would but Becky didn’t share problems and it wasn’t until I saw her face to face she actually told me.
The last time I saw her the day after her birthday and we sat having drinks and trying to keep her cheery, when we left she gave me the biggest cuddle and cried like a baby.
We had arranged to have a night out the next time we was due to get the boys, we were all friends me, Adam, Edwardo etc and I couldn’t wait to let my hair down.
The Friday before she passed something unusual happened, Becky was awful for texting back, I mean dreadful but that was her, that night we were texting back and forth and the last thing she said to me was ‘I’m feeling sleepy now, night night xx’ and that was the last I heard from her.
The day she passed I had a busy day at work and I kept meaning to text her but it was my step daughters birthday tea at my parents by the time I got home I was exhausted.
I got the phone call on the Monday from my old boss and time stood still it really did.
The Friday we celebrated her life in the way only we could, bring at the pub talking about her and drinking the night away, we had a glass of wine on the table all night and even at my wedding I made sure she had one along with a ‘Fox’ that Edwardo and his lovely lady had bought us.
At her funeral I found out like most people the extent of her suffering, she had trouble coping with her dads death, she suffered from body dismorpher even though she was the most beautiful girl in the world.
If you are suffering like Becky did please pick up the phone and talk to someone, if you haven’t spoke to someone in a while, pick the phone up.