Does anyone else have a coping technique for anxiety and depression? It appears I do and it’s one that brings me right out of the darkness I find myself in and that, as silly as this sounds is listening to the Mamma Mia Here We Go Again soundtrack, I find when I finally find the energy to leave the house alone and I put my ear phones in and I turn the music up, I find myself in a place that I find happy, content and above all safe, maybe it’s because myself and Adam has seen it so many times and I feel close to him in a way, it makes me remember those times we spent a couple of hours together in our own little world, dreaming of living in Greece and singing along to Abba songs all day long.
I also find giving myself a set of tasks the night before helps me greatly, not writing a list down as such but having a mental note of everything I need to get done, someone on Instagram the other day said writing down everything you’ve achieved in the day helps her and I thought this was a great idea because up until today, I haven’t achieved very much lately, Tuesday I managed to have a bath etc which was a major step for me but most days I spend in bed struggling with the day and Adam comes home and I cry because the washing’s not done or I haven’t managed to even get dressed.
I’m determined to make everyday count from this day forward because life is just passing me by while I am lying in bed, it’s not me being lazy, I just can’t find the energy, I can’t see there is much point in getting up because I don’t see much in front of me but when I think about it, I actually do; I have a university course to start, I have a job to go to when my police checks finally do come back and I have a family that need someone that is strong emotionally and physically, I don’t think since I’ve been with Adam I have had a week where I haven’t felt like life isn’t worth living to be honest and that’s not because he doesn’t make me happy because when he is here, all that I feel when I am alone vanishes almost in an instant and I love him so very much but I find the loneliness, well lonely and depressing. He says I need a hobby like I’ve mentioned before and he so wants me to get into dungeons and dragons but to me, that’s not my thing, it’s not something that I find myself getting passionate about and while I am sure I will enjoy it when I start playing, it’s not ‘my’ hobby, I don’t actually know what kind of hobby I’d like to do to be honest, I just don’t have this ‘thing’ in me that likes something, I’d love to find something and form connections over here and gain some friends because that’s another key thing for me, having a network of people over here that I can meet for coffee once a week or go out with, I have my old friends but they live miles away and it’s not practical to meet once a week but I know they are there if ever I need them. I am sure one day something will just click over here and I will have my Dr House ‘ping’ moment that I like to call it.
While I said I don’t write lists I do have some things I’d like to achieve this month and now I’ve cracked my weight issues, eating better and losing weight I can now see an end, is to me not smoking, while the cost factor is absolutely huge for me, the healthy side of it is massive, not least because when I have my operation next month I need to be clear from them for a few days prior. So things this month I’d like to achieve:
Quitting or reducing my intake of cigarettes, I need to be stronger with myself, I need to say ‘no you don’t need them’, I did earlier which I think is a little victory, I had one and then about fifteen minutes later I was going out and thought ‘I’d have one more’ but looked at how many I had and the money I have left and decided ‘no’ and I am quite proud of that.
Second on my list is to set my character up for d&d and play an online game with Adam and his tribe he has going on.
Getting out the house at least once a day when I am on my own and not working, even to the shops and back again.
Getting that last bit of weight off that will take me to my first goal of losing 10% of my body weight, well in time for my operation.
So they are small things but doable, the hardest will be the not smoking aspect as it’s the norm for me now, I need to have a new thing when I reach for a cigarette, I reach for something else (that isn’t food) but I am determined to do it, I proved with my weight I can do that so I can do this.
For today though I’m going to listen to my music and be in my on little world, pretending I’m in Greece with Adam.