children, daily life, family

The working mum

Being a working mum has its advantages and disadvantages, on the one hand you get peace and quiet most of the day and you have a life outside of work but the other side is you miss those little milestones that your kids do, they run to the other parent if they hurt themselves and ask for hugs from them instead of you.

Even before we had kids me and my ex husband decided that one of us would be there for our kids no matter if that meant going without things, one thing we always stood fast on was that we didn’t want anyone else bringing our kids up, we didn’t want to drop them off at a child minders at 8am not to pick them up until 6pm, to us we felt like there was no point having kids if that was a sacrifice we had to make, of course this might work for some parents but we couldn’t see the point in going out and working our asses off just to pay someone else we could be doing just as well and having that family bond that we would have probably lost if we did choose to both work, I am by no means knocking anyone’s choices and I am not saying that others don’t have a family bond if they choose to both work but having a parent at home does change the dynamics of a family.

When we had our first it became clear who was the more maternal one out of us and that was my husband, when we went on to have two more children he stayed at home with them, he found part time work to fit around my hours after work but we found we were seeing less and less of each other and that’s another factor in our decisions for us to have that parent at home, our relationship would have suffered greatly by not seeing each other enough, we didn’t want to be two ships passing in the night just so we could afford a holiday or something big, we married each other because we genuinely enjoyed each other’s company and we wasn’t going to change just because children came along. I think it’s especially harder for stay at home dads because they don’t (or didn’t) get welcomed into play groups etc as easily as women although this may have changed now, so it was important that we still made time for each other.

So being a working mum was hard sometimes, when one of them was sick when I was at work, all I wanted to do was get in the car and drive home to them but I couldn’t, if any of them had something going on at school at the start of their primary years I had to miss it but it was important the children were with the parent that was more relaxed and was more ‘loving’ I guess is the word, I found it tough when my kids were small, I admit I couldn’t cope on my own and I take my hat off to Edwardo for holding it altogether, I found it hard. I loved them of course I did but I came from a family where affection was scarce, I have no doubt my parents loved me but being tactile wasn’t in their nature. I always made sure I gave my children cuddles and told them I loved them before they said it as I always remember my mum saying it after I did and it was always an automatic thing.

When they got a bit older I did find it easier and I did float it about a bit that I’d like to stay home but in reality it wouldn’t have worked, Edwardo knew our kids back to front and sideways, I had to accept he was the one that they ran too.

It’s only now they are all teenagers that I finally can ‘handle’ them, I just wish I found this side of me many years beforehand as I missed out on so much, through my choice but it never stops me hating the choice we made so early on but my kids are well rounded, brilliant, polite (sometimes!) young men and most of that is because of their upbringing and the way their dad raised them.

There is no denying I would love another baby now, I’d love for a chance to have a baby that I can nurture from the start, with my youngest son when he was born, his dad had a really bad back so I had a chance to bond with him like I hadn’t with the other two and it shows today with our relationship I think, although he does have autism so this might have something to do with it too. But having another baby so late in my life wouldn’t be fair on the new child, wouldn’t be fair on his or hers brothers and wouldn’t be fair on either of us because now our youngest of the five has just turned ten, it’s only another 8 or so years and he will be spreading his wings and even though I have a really strong desire to have a child of our own I have to think about the future and one of the biggest factors we just can’t afford a baby and that’s the key thing in everything, even though I know I can earn plenty of money if I got a job with my skill set when the baby is old enough to go to nursery and my husband doesn’t earn a bad wage, I know I would want to bring my child up with a parent at home and that person will be me, because my children and step children have taught me to be a better mum and I know I would kick ass at being a mummy again but I don’t think it’s fair on my boys at all seeing their mum staying at home with another baby and them not living with me, I don’t want them to resent me. So we made the tough choice of not having one of our own, this does devastate me but our kids now come first and that’s what I have to remember.

So being a working mum is tough but so it being the stay at home parent.

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