Do you ever live your life and think is that you? I see my life and sometimes when I’m out in the garden I look into our room and see what I’ve built the last few years and think how the fuck did I get here? Did I really want to be here? Is this the life I actually want? The answer to this sometimes, I feel is no. For a very long time I have felt like a lost soul, building a new life for herself when in actual fact she hasn’t got a fucking clue where she wants to be, sometimes for the slightest of seconds I feel like I’ve just got on this journey because I have no other place to be, I feel like sometimes I have no place in the universe at all, I feel like I’m here but my mind and body is elsewhere, I don’t know where that is but sometimes I feel like I’m an imposter and I need to get out.
There is no denying I would love to be back home with my family, my boys being a happy family again because who wouldn’t want what they had before? Having family dinners and bedtime routines? Having that familiar feeling around you, the sad truth is, even after nearly three years I still feel like an outsider with nerd boy, I still feel like I am this person that moved over here but doesn’t really want to be here, maybe if my boys were here it would be a different story entirely for me, I feel like living here I am missing a huge part of me, one that I don’t think is ever going to be fixed.
The boys I know are happy with their daddy and their step mum and I couldn’t ask for a better step mummy for them to be quite honest, they have their school, college and their friends and I would never want them to give that life up for me, which is why we are in the situation we are in now, their happiness is all that matters to me but what happens to the person that gives all that up? They don’t just go off and live happily ever after, I think maybe as a mother not living with her children it’s probably harder because mothers and children have a bit of a bond that they don’t have with their fathers or is that just something us women say? My kids seem to have a bond that’s unbreakable with their father so that is probably bullshit about a mother’s bond, something that’s made up to make us feel more superior or something, to try and make dad feel less of a human being. There is no denying that my kids are happy and well looked after but that leaves me, although I have nerd boy it makes me feel very lonely sometimes, I gave birth to these little people (well not that little now) and I don’t have them to wash, clean and cook for anymore and I do feel like my arms ache sometimes, nerd boy wonders why I insist on trying to do everything for him, give him the nicer food or do his lunch in the mornings, it’s simply because I don’t have my kids to do that for anymore, I don’t have that ‘get up and go’ anymore, I don’t have a bedroom to go into to say goodnight or little peoples clothes to wash all the time, to take them out or just sit on a sofa and have a movie night, I feel like I’ve lost my place in the world.
Of course I love nerd boy, I think that’s plain to see but I do wonder sometimes and I’ll be totally honest about this, did I just take the first person that came along that could show me safety? That could give me a home, I hadn’t had a proper home in nearly a year when he came along, I stress myself out that I simply don’t belong here because I took the first person that came into my life that adored me from the moment he met me and I feel like a complete and utter bitch but let’s look at the evidence here: yes he has shown me he adores me but I’ve also shown him that I’ve treated him so differently to how I treated Edwardo, cuddles come second nature to me with him and telling him I love him it rolls off the tongue like you wouldn’t believe and I have just sat here and thought ‘but it is automatic like I should just say it?’ And I beat myself up that I could even do that to a person, I say it because I look at him and I feel something warm and fuzzy inside of me, when he looks up at me laying down with those eyes I just can’t help but say it, I adore him too and it breaks my heart sometimes when I see him on the very rare occasion he is upset, I just want to scoop him up and never let go, he annoys the fuck out of me at the cinema but the way he holds my hand while he does it makes me melt and I would never change him, We never argue either, with Edwardo we would have huge rows sometimes but we’ve never had one, even when we hit a bad patch last year we never fully had a full blown argument, we simply don’t know how to, we talk through our problems, I try and bottle it up which is why I’ve wrote this as I bottled this all up and need to get it out, I don’t want to give him yet more not to worry about. So yes in conclusion I do love him so much, I just wish my boys could be here or I could be there with them, with nerd boy because maybe then my place in the universe might actually become a pin in the map of everything, that will never happen though as nerd boy has his kids and it’s not fair to pull him away from them either, they are much younger than mine but I do wonder what is stopping us, he only sees them the same amount as I see my kids, we both don’t drive now but I guess my kids are at an age where they can travel on their own, if we moved back to Kent then that would mean one of us (me) going over to pick them up on the train every other week, then nerd boy taking them home on the Sunday, it’s not very practical for us to move while they are still unable to travel on their own, so for now until his kids reach an age or they move themselves, I will have to settle for ‘this life’ but as long as nerd boy is in it, it doesn’t matter where I am. (The ache in my arms for my boys will never stop though).