I am not one of these strong women who hide their problems from their partner, family or the world, quite frankly I don’t know what good comes from hiding problems, whether it be financially, emotionally or just plain right ‘meh’, I am not one of these bloggers that plasters a fake smile over her face just to get likes or anything like that, if I’m having a down day then I will share that, I’m not into just sharing the good stuff because one thing I am and that’s honest with myself and you guys, seeing the raw person behind the phone and knowing ‘everything isn’t ok’ is a good thing and makes you see that life isn’t all free stuff (I wish), smiles, grand days out and insane fun, life punches you in the stomach more often than any of the above and I think it should be more normal to talk about and it’s more realistic to show the real me, I don’t want one person that reads my blog and see only good stuff and go ‘I wish I was her’ because showing the bad stuff shows I am normal, it’s normal to have anxiety on a bus full of rowdy kids hitting you in the face with their over sized back packs, it’s normal to fret about money and how you are going to pay for shit at the end of the month and it’s totally normal just to feel ‘meh’ some days.
I’m keeping it real and telling you that today, like most of this week I have felt more than ‘meh’, I’ve sat on my bed crying my eyes out trying to find a light at the end of the tunnel, I feel like everything is happening at once and I see myself at the bottom of a very deep fucking well and the way up seems like a long bloody climb, why do I feel like that? Well firstly my mum is in hospital and while she went in for a fall at home and needed a new hip to replace her bionic one she had done over ten years ago she’s developed something else and we don’t know what it is yet and that’s worrying me no end, nerd boy and are are struggling financially, we always have done but it seems extra worse this month and next, I fret over money all the time and we always are ok but this time it really is a massive massive worry as I didn’t get full pay from my old job and not going to get full pay from my new one this month, I am sure we will struggle on as usual but I just wish we didn’t have to worry every damn month, worrying about how I will afford to get my kids, not being able to help pay for things they need really does nothing for my anxiety and stress levels but I cannot speak more highly of their dad and his partner, they have been absolutely cracking. I’m worrying my student loan won’t go through for my Open University course and I dare not open my books in case I have to send them back, I’m trying to go back to my old job but in my heart of hearts I really don’t want that but my new job is just shit but we need money so I’ll do what I have to do for us to get by and if that means being in a shitty job until hopefully I become a teaching assistant then that’s what I will do.
And just like that some of my worries have been lifted, this is the point of the blog and the reason I wrote this blog today, it’s like therapy for me where I can write down my feelings, I can filter through those dark clouds forming around my head and make sense of it all and I have done just that, with this post.
Today I was very low, I admit I probably was on the verge of wanting to leave this world but I picked my phone up and tapped in a couple of songs to listen to and I knew as soon as I heard them, I may have blubbed even more but I knew they would help me and they were ‘love my life’ by Robbie Williams https://g.co/kgs/XFQQSW and ‘perfect’ by Ed Sheeran, these songs are so special to me and nerd boy, the first we walked out the registry office too and the second was our first dance, a friend of ours also did a video for us https://animoto.com/play/FsXU2LgQumuseBZ5AtfB5Q using the music and this is the thing that finally stopped my tears, remembering that day and the love I felt from everyone and nerd boy and seeing that happy me is the reason I’m still here, plodding on with my life.
Never be afraid to speak up, never be afraid to say you aren’t coping or you are embarrassed, don’t ever suffer in silence as they say ‘it’s ok not to be ok’.