Just recently I have got the tube into London a few times and each time I come home and I feel like hitting myself around the head because I find myself unable not to stare at ‘differences’ to people and even though I would like to think I’m one of the most accepting people you would ever meet, I do find myself asking the question: am I accepting or am I doing what everyone else does secretly and getting myself worked up over nothing?
You see yesterday I was on the tube and a lady was reading a book, which I thought was strange as you never really see anyone on the tube reading a book and I smiled to myself, about twenty minutes later the tube was quite busy and I found myself glance at this lady once more and I saw that her hand was missing, my eyes was like a moth to a flame and even though I was thinking in my head ‘good on her’ (even though she is only missed a hand) but I was so worried my eyes was screaming at her ‘you’ve got no hand!!’ And I found myself shouting at myself inwardly for not being able to just be ‘normal’ in that situation. I doubt she even thought anything of it but if you are reading this: it was the central line from Epping around half nine on Friday morning, I am sorry if my eyes were burning into you, I really didn’t mean anything by it but I’m socially inept to be out and about!!
On the way home I noticed a woman sitting opposite me with a great hat, it was big and black, my eyes wandered down to her hand and saw she had a wedding ring on and I thought ‘that’s a big ring’, I looked over to the person sitting next to her, a woman who had a matching ring on and thought ‘they are married’ and instead of acting normally like I would a heterosexual couple I found myself looking anywhere but the lady with the nice hat and I felt like she sensed my eyes darting everywhere, even though being gay is totally normal, Again to the ladies on the central line back to Epping about three in the afternoon, please don’t hate me, I wasn’t uncomfortable with you at all, I was uncomfortable with myself not being able to ‘act normal’ once I worked out you were married and the more I chastised myself the worse my rapid eye movement became, I know I shouldn’t be out and about.
Although I was on the tube the other Monday and I was very hungry so bought myself a tuna sandwich for lunch and the tube was quiet, I opened my sandwich and this pair of eyes just glared at me the whole time, I wasn’t even near her or eating loudly but this woman until I finished it couldn’t take her eyes off me, I was on the verge of saying something but I’m glad I didn’t because the people above didn’t say anything about my ‘behaviour’ and that was way worse than me eating a tuna sandwich, not as though they probably noticed to be fair but in my head the hamster was working overtime on his wheel.
The thing is, I don’t get out much and I certainly have trouble speaking to people, my husband has no issue but me and social etiquette is not a match made in heaven, I can’t strike a conversation up, I can’t maintain one either, I don’t ask questions and I must seem like the shittest person on the planet but I don’t mean to be, I just am awkward around anyone, me and eye contact are non existent and me and social norms are just a match made in hell.
See the thing is I grew up with a brother and sister with special needs so I know all about ‘differences’, two of my sons are autistic and two of my cousins are gay, I think it fucking fantastic that the same sex can now marry and about bloody time, after all love comes in many different ways and why should anyone stop it if both happen to be the same sex? We are all the same, in love and happy. I guess the lady without the hand its not something you see everyday and I imagine it’s something she goes through in a daily basis and I certainly didn’t mean any malice in my actions, I am sure I wouldn’t have been the only one on that tube journey but I probably am the only one trying to explain my actions? I can’t imagine living without a finger let alone a whole hand and I think that’s what I was thinking that the lady is missing a vital limb but here she was with a book, on a tube and make up on, her giving no shits to the world, it certainly makes you think about your own life I can tell you and that wonky nose or manky teeth, if this lady can carry on as normal then a bump in my nose is fucking non existent!