I love my life, I really do but if this is what life is for the rest of my days I’d sooner not be here to be totally honest with you, I’m a trooper though and I’ll carry on but in the pit of my stomach there is this overwhelming feeling of ‘fuck it’, it’s not something I am proud of and as myself and Adam have gone through our fair share of mental health issues both ourselves and those around us, I do feel selfish for even talking about it but talking about it I must, I don’t have a therapist and I certainly don’t have any friends to talk to and if I do, how can they understand? So stick it on the internet and see if there are others like me, tired of struggling with these mental things going on in my brain and seeing if and what coping mechanisms you use, how you overcome that blackness, that dark feeling that suddenly creeps over you when you think everything in your life is going just fine, when something goes wrong you think for a split second about walking in front of a car and that sense of loneliness even though you have people around you that love you and care for you?
I’ve spoken about how I feel before, that’s not new but I’ve never spoken about how far down the line I’m feeling, right this second, right how I do feel like jumping in front of a car, hating my life. Just this morning my son woke up with all these bites, I wrote a blog about why this morning and discarded it as people saw it we knew, which is the downside to blogging but I never thought in a million years family would read it, take it in and try to help, I got embarrassed and put it under drafts so ashamed they know how we have been living, living with these horrible things that has now claimed my sons beautiful skin, Adams youngest came up in a rash the other day we assume it was an allergic reaction to bubble bath but now I’m thinking it was these evil things biting him in the night and I am mortified that where we live did that to them, even though we have been doing our very best to deal with the problem it just wasn’t good enough, feeling like a failure as a parent and step parent, no one blames us but I still blame myself for living in a place such as this, while I said yesterday that this isn’t a bad place to live it’s a stark reminder it’s no place to have children no matter how big they are now.
I constantly feel like I’m letting everyone down around me, like I’m just not good enough, just not doing enough, I feel like I’m not a nice person and especially a nice mother, I can’t even afford my kids to come down this weekend because of me, if I hadn’t of wanted to change jobs, I wouldn’t have left and when my operation got cancelled I would have had a job to go back to, I’ve not been earning for three weeks because I’ve been waiting for my police checks to come back and I couldn’t afford the bus fare this month because I over spent and the start of the month, I feel like everything, every single decision I make some kind of bad thing happens, every single time. You would think after thirty nine years I would have learned that I should never make decisions and I certainly shouldn’t be allowed to follow through with them, it’s like my post I did months ago Turn Left every turn I take something goes wrong and I am just waiting for when something goes wrong within my marriage, waiting for that day Adam says he doesn’t want to be with me anymore, despite knowing he loves me to death and he would never say it, I’m still waiting for it.
I know only I can get myself out of this never ending cycle but when you feel like being born was a mistake sometimes, a lot of the time really, it’s hard. The one thing I am hoping is that the children I have had live a better life than me and they have been put on this earth for great things and I think that’s one of the only things that keep me together most of the time, seeing how they grow up and what they become, It breaks my heart I can’t see them every day but I sit and hope that one day they will come back to me, even if they are 34 years of age and pop round unannounced, seeing them with their kids and making a life for theirselves and not making the same mistakes as me and then I will know it was worth sticking around for, I am proud of them no matter what, I just hope they work hard and have a happy life, if it be where they live now, over here with us or somewhere different. My kids are my everything.
Adam has been a great help pulling me back but there is only so many times that man will hold me while I sob uncontrollably, snot on his arm and say I’m sorry for being such a dick, he says he will be here forever but does he really want ‘this’ forever because I certainly can’t see ‘this’ ever being any different, I can’t see us ever being able to afford a home, to fix my car, to be even afford a holiday abroad (or even one in the uk) I can’t see us ever getting out of this mess, no matter how hard we try, no matter how many pounds are in the bank at the end of the month or in savings, I’ve lived like this for the past almost twenty years, another fifty won’t hurt (see that’s the darkness talking again). Adam has applied for a job which is more money but we have to wait and see if he gets an interview and would help us out massively but right now, I can see us living in this room when I am in adult nappies and bed ridden because that’s how I see my life panning our, I can’t see a brighter future, I can’t see us old, I can’t see me at fifty (I can actually, exactly the same as I am now just older), I certainly can’t see me in another twenty years, I’m meant to retire in about thirty years, I’m not going to be one of those women that go on cruises, I’m going to be one of those women to scared to put the heating on and living on half a can of soup a day, that’s not a life I want to live. Shut up moaning Alison I hear you say, you have your health and a man the loves you, yes I do and I know all that but that doesn’t stop me thinking and not knowing how to even begin to get out or change this thing called ‘my life’. I want it to change, I don’t want this black feeling over me more that the bright happy future, I want to smile all day and not feel down, I don’t want to be on my own and this horrible feeling and thoughts creep into my head, I want it gone, I want sunshine and rainbows not dark clouds and puddles.