Do you ever sit back and look at your life and think ‘fucking hell, this wasn’t meant to happen’. Are you one of these people that had a plan and stuck to it or are you a person like me who didn’t have a plan and has just gone along with whatever life throws at you and occasionally sits backs and go ‘well fuck me, this is different’.
I was never a girly girl, I played with dolls like most girls my age did but I was never one of the girls that would plan my life or my wedding day and imagine my life, at all and maybe that’s where I went wrong, maybe I need to bring my kids up (even though the three Edwardo’s are all growing moustaches and have hair long enough on their legs you can plait them) with a plan, with an ‘end in sight’, maybe if I did that all those years ago, I wouldn’t be here now? Maybe I would have saved some money and had a nice little sum saved for the day my marriage ended? Who knows you can’t live your life on maybe’s from the past can you, all I can do now is have a plan going forward, have those goals to work towards which is why my forty by forty list is so important to me, firstly I can show myself and anyone around me I can actually put my mind to something and carry it off and secondly some of the things on my list involves my life long term, not just the next 12 months.
I think some people think I’m silly for having a ‘bucket list’ now, I’m not dying! Believe me it isn’t a bucket list as those things on my list aren’t worthy of a bucket list (I mean really? Having an ice cream along the banks of the Thames isn’t really something I can be on my deathbed going ‘aye, I’m glad I had that 99 in the summer of 2018, my life is complete’). It’s my ‘now bucket list’, it’s my year of change, the year I take charge of my life and not look back on the past and think ‘how the fuckity fuck did I end up living in a room at 39 years of age’, well let me tell you; I had a nice house with my kids but things didn’t work out with Edwardo and it was important to me that the kids were happy in their home and their dad was always a stay at home dad, so it made sense for me to give the house up, I’d rather my kids be happy in life rather than with me and miserable, and they are happy they have their school, college, family and friends all close by and as I never saved that sum of money I have found myself moving 9 times in three years. Do I like living in a room? Actually I love it, when the kids come over we are forced to spend time with each other and hey! Not so much to clean!.
So I have plans to make this change but it’s going to take hard work on my part, I’ve got to stick to my list in order for this to change and one of those things is giving up smoking as this is the thing that cripples is every month and I am mortified the amount of money I spend a month on them but it’s a habit and one I am going to give up and make myself proud and make my kids proud and also make my Adam proud (although I do still wince every now and again how much I’ve spent), this small change will help me and us to make a difference long term and I am determined to make it happen.
What will I do when I reach 40? What’s next? Well I plan of having a big ass party the day after my birthday for a start rounding off my list, maybe I will then have another list for things to achieve by the time I am 50, all I know is I don’t want to be living in a room when we start to have grandchildren, so that’s a goal right there (hopefully our kids will be sensible enough not to have any in the next few years!).
What’s on my list? Well it’s still be tweaked because there are a few things on there that costs a lot of money to do so I’m still thinking of things to do that is very cheap of free to do and I will post as soon as I have finished it. On it though is to: give up smoking, lost 3 stone (people ask me why 3? And I say because it’s manageable, anymore is a bonus), drink more water, become more sociable, eat that ice cream on the bank of the Thames, see a sunset at the beach. Plus many others but they are little goals to me and I intend to do as many of them as possible (if I don’t Adam will most likely delay my birthday until it’s all done!)