Turn left

Fortune Teller: You turned left. But what if you turned right? What then?

Donna: Let go of my hands.

Fortune Teller: What if it changes? What if you go right? What if you could still go right?

Donna: Stop it! What’s on my back? What is it? What’s on my back?!

Fortune Teller: Make the choice again, Donna Noble. And change your mind. Turn right.

Donna: I’m turning…

Fortune Teller: Turn right. Turn right! Turn right! Turn right and never meet that man! Turn right and change the world!

Do you ever sit back and look at your life and wonder where it all went wrong? What was that moment that god or whatever force decided that; no matter how nicer person you are, life was going to be very hard in deed, doesn’t matter if you would bend over backwards to help other people or live by the rules, he or whoever would go ‘no fucking way! Your life isn’t going to be a walk in the park, you are going to have to struggle for the rest of your life’. Well that person is me and try as I might to try and change situations he just keeps coming back going ‘nope! Your path is the shit one remember!!’.

There are plenty of memes out there that are inspirational and all that, they talk about how you are in control of your own destiny but how long do you keep fighting, how long can you keep going; struggling from one day to the next? The answer is, it appears for me at the very least, for fucking ever.

I look at others around me and although I am aware smiles can be fake, I see other people’s lives and think ‘why can’t that be me?’ Of course I don’t know what they have done to get that far and I don’t know if they have struggled and whatever being has finally said ‘yes, you there! You can have some good luck!’ But to me, it seems like it’s every sodding turn, every bloody day something new comes up and says ‘I’ll take your one good day and raise you five bad ones’, sometimes I do feel like giving up because when life has given you so many lemons you are tired of failing to make lemonade.

Some reading this are probably going ‘get off your fat arse and start making changes’ which is a brilliant way to look at life and on some good days I would tend to agree with you that I can only change my future but I can’t help thinking that I am going to grow old (if I make it that far the rate I’m going), one of those old ladies I have seen so many times thrown into a home with no one to care about me when I die.

I wish I could pin point that moment in my life where life kept throwing those lemons but honestly, I don’t have a fucking clue and the only thing I can pin point was when I asked Edwardo to marry me and from then on, life got a constant battle of trying to get up a hill and it’s like it’s never ending, of course I wouldn’t change my marriage and I wouldn’t have my children but I can’t help but wonder if we didn’t rush to get married, if we waited and if I had someone with sound advice about saving money in my ear then life might be very different for me, I could afford that night out without having to think ‘right I have this much left if I spend this much’ and we could afford a holiday, even just once a year. While these things are materialistic and doesn’t make life, it’s those little luxuries that make living a life worth it right? I can’t help thinking if I didn’t marry like I did, when it gets to my birthday we can afford to go out and not worry about money, social media doesn’t help at all when it comes to things like this and I see other people’s gifts and see a Gucci gift or a nice gift that cost a fortune, I can’t help but feel a little jealous, social media masks a thousand lies I know but still, it does make people like me who struggle through life feel a little shit about things.

I know where in life I need to make changes and I know that if I tried really hard I could possibly change ‘my path’ but by doing so it means life becomes even more miserable than it is a lot of the time for me currently. Yes I smoke, I smoke ALOT and I know I could save thousands per year by not doing it and I can sit here and justify my reasons for not stopping but none of them we sound and none of them is a reason not to stop, it’s just an excuse. Yes I eat a lot but not really, we don’t spend a fortune on shopping every week believe it or not, I just eat the wrong things for the most part, I fact if I was to eat ‘healthy’ then we would probably spend more money each week than I usually do but again, that just an excuse right? We spend on average about £30 per week on shopping for the two of us, I would like to know how I can spend that amount each week and eat healthy, not be hungry and still have a smile on my face (this includes all the essential items like loo rolls etc).

I would like to make my destiny a different one and it would be lovely if someone could wave a magic wand and go ‘poof!’ And it’s all changed but I don’t have a fucking clue where to start or how to go about living a different kind of life without me being a right misery (more than I am now).

I want to be able to afford to repair or replace my car, I want to be able to afford to move out of the room we live in, I want to have a better job and have nice things but I don’t know how to go about doing any of that because each month it seems like we have to pay that extra or I haven’t made as much as last month and we never have a chance to save (of course by me not smoking there would be a huge saving every month just to start with) so maybe I need to make that my first step and going from there and making whatever being seems to be getting in my way of living a different life sit up and go ‘oh shit, she means business’.

Just a side note: I am deliriously happy with the man who saved me, he and my children is the beings that is keeping me from throwing in the towel for the most part, without them, this life honestly wouldn’t be worth me breathing and waking up in the morning.

It’s time to make that change as Micheal Jackson said.

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