Looking up to the stars

Have you ever missed someone so much it hurts?

This was me last night, I stood looking out the window looking up at the stars and a felt a stabbing pain in my heart and I sat on my bed and cried and cried, I missed my children. I always miss my children but something looking up at the sky set me off and it’s a feeling I can’t shake.

I haven’t lived with them for three years, more permanently for the last two years, the reason why is simple: out of my three boys two of them are autistic and as Edwardo was a stay at home Dad through the whole of their life, it was in the children’s best interest things stayed as ‘normal’ as possible and while I decided to move miles away and some could say I abandoned them it really wasn’t like that and some could say on the back of that ‘she doesn’t have any right to feel that way’ but I’m their mother and it doesn’t matter if I lived with them or not I would still miss them while they were away.

When I had children I wasn’t very mumsy and that’s why Edwardo stayed at home with them and I went out to work but since they got older, that side of me had got more maternal and never a day goes by where I don’t look at their photos with a pang in my heart that I don’t see them every day, I would do anything to have cuddles every day but I can’t, they are happy where they are with their friends, home and routines, why did I move so far away? Because I needed to get better, become me again and find the person I needed to be not the person I was becoming and not progressing with life, I was stuck in a rut where I was, it was all unhealthy and I did need to grow as a person and as a mother and I think I’ve achieved all those things, no matter how hard it is being away from them.

How selfish of me for wanting to ‘find’ myself, well when you were living the way I was back then, this was the only option and if the boys wanted a better mummy and one with a clearer head, moving away was the only option, even though I had the man who saved me long before I moved, my life wasn’t going anywhere and I wasn’t proud of myself or making them proud, I wanted them to see me ‘ grow up’ and get a good job and a home of my own, I wanted them to see there was life outside of their little village, I wanted to give them more but that meant leaving them behind and showing them what I had become when they come to visit and show them ‘mummy can survive’, I wish they could have come with me and do all that growing with me but they do come first and their emotional well-being, some could say ‘you are a mother you should have put all that behind you and stayed there and sucked it up’ and yes maybe I should have but what use is a mother that is a part time depressive and no real goal in life? They had never really been shown drive and determination and I wanted to show them that no matter what shit situation you might be in, you can do good and they can see that you can come out the other side with a bit of hard work.

People do look at me funny and I am sure they think ‘she must be a shit mother to not live with them’ well as I said before I wasn’t very maternal when they were younger and there were times I asked myself why I had children but then I looked at them and all I saw was these brilliant, funny boys who made my heart melt, I just had trouble showing it. But since I moved, I do show that side of me because I didn’t know how to love myself before I met the man who saved me, I didn’t really know how to love anyone before him, everything I am with my children is because of him and showing me how to love, before when I lived with them we didn’t really have a connection and just plodding along with life and since I moved I think our relationship has changed so much, cuddles and the limited time we have together is precious so we appreciate each other more, we certainly chat more than we used to and I certainly get told they love me more and I tell them all the time.

My boys will always be my greatest achievement and I wish I lived with them and was able to bring them up and be there for them no matter what but this is the life that I have now and despite those pangs of hurt and missing, I wouldn’t change it because I wouldn’t be the person I am today and we wouldn’t have the relationship that we have worked so hard on, so for that I am truly grateful. They are my world and I would be there for them in a flash and if ever they wanted to live with me they could, I am secretly hoping for the day one of them asks if they can but they love their daddy to much to ever do that to him, even writing that made me think ‘did I love the man who saved me more than my own kids?’ The answer is no, of course I don’t, our kids regardless if we are married or not will always come first, which sounds completely Irish considering I left them in Kent.

I think I’ve proven I am a happier, more loving person in the twenty two months I have lived over here for and each day I live with myself of leaving them and not being with them but I wasn’t the one who ended my marriage and I wasn’t the one who the boys thought was more of a mummy back in the early days, maybe if when they were born I would have them with me now, I would have the house and living my life back in Kent but there is no point in looking back on something I can’t change. I just hope one day that one of or maybe if I am lucky all three say ‘mummy I want to live with you’ but until then I have my Stars to look at and I always have them in my heart.

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