daily life

Thinking the worst outcome imaginable

Depression, it’s not a nice looking word is it? Anxiety isn’t either but at least there is a fancy letter in it.

Why in the world would I be depressed or have anxiety? I have the love of a good man and a fantastic family, a bloody good job and a few friends that are there for me no matter how far away we are yet sometimes I feel like the loneliest person on the planet.

I go for weeks on a high, a smile on my face and then it takes one thing to take me back into a black place again and I never know how to handle it.

I don’t even know if you can class it had depression but how low I feel right now I certainly tick a few boxes.

I am desperate to be liked and to have friends down here yet almost two years on from moving here I’ve gone out with people four times, twice to the pub and on the last time I went out I was used as a taxi service and ignored all night, I went shopping for my wedding flowers and once for coffee last week (this was the same person) I feel like sometimes I’m not moving forward enough, the man who saved me says I should get a hobby but what? Nothing really interests me and I have real trouble striking conversations up with new people, I’m sure I’ve lost many potential friends because of how I behave when I first meet them, I’m usually very quiet and I probably look a bit rude but I want to be liked so bad.

I don’t even know what ‘hit’ me today, I was happy as Larry when I got to work for my training but then this is where it went down hill I think, first we’ve had a change of hours etc at work which hadn’t been explained very well, my training was meant to be five hours but turned into one which means I have to make my hours up over the next three days meaning I can’t attend a funeral that I really wanted to attend (a resident passed away at work), I’ve been trying in vain to have a catch up with a family member who I haven’t seen since the wedding and kind of feel like I’m being avoided so that’s set my anxiety right up, thinking of every worse case scenario to the point I’m sitting at the bus stop thinking ‘we’ll that’s it then, I won’t attend family occasions anymore because clearly the whole family don’t like me’ but I know that’s not true and I was waiting for the bus and it didn’t show up, I started walking to the next bus stop where a different bus stops at and the one I was getting stops next to me and I yell at the driver to stop but he didn’t hear me and the last thing I saw a horse drawn carriage while I waited for the other bus and it was a Mum with a beautiful pink coffin covered in glitter. I was sat at the bus stop almost crying my eyes out.

I know I’ll be cheery again but right now I want my bed fort and not moved until the man who saved me gets home at eleven from his club.

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