Maybe, baby

I had a plan, all my children by the time I was 26, I made it with two weeks to spare and that was it, no more babies for me, three was ample and my dad wrote in our last baby card ‘please don’t have anymore, grow bags only have room for three’ (he had given us a grow bag and some tomatoes to grow). I didn’t mind this plan and I settled on life without anymore children.

I had never been a motherly mum, which is the reason why Edwardo stayed at home and I worked, it’s only now they have got older it seems easier for me.

So I meet the man who saved me and he has two children. Restarting primary years again after thinking they were finished and have kids again under ten was ok, they brought out a side of me I didn’t know I had and for the first time in my life I looked after kids all on my own.

Ever since I met the man who saved me, I look at him and wonder what a child of ours would look like and since we got married that’s got stronger and today I had a scare at the doctors, they couldn’t find my coil and I immediately did a test and I was devastated that it was negative and this has given me a whole mix of emotions that feel quite strange, I didn’t know I actually had the longing for a child again but clearly it’s there because my arms hurt at the thought of not holding another baby or touching it’s feet and feeling how tiny they are, I guess also because I don’t live with my children as two of them are autistic and better they stayed with Edwardo it was a chance for me to become a mummy again and have something that is missing in my life but at the same time I have a fear my boys would be upset that I have ‘replaced them’.

Not having a proper home, living in a shared house is one of the main reasons though why it isn’t a good decision no matter my desire and also money would be tight and at the moment we have freedom to do pretty much as we like, all that would be taken away but it doesn’t stop me wanting one in my arms, looking down on it and giving feetie kisses, pushing him or her in their pram on a nice day and loving something that I will never have taken away from me.

It’s not meant to be but it doesn’t stop me saying ‘maybe, baby’

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