How do you deal with a marriage break up anyway? Do you walk away with head held high or do you scream and shout, fall into deep depression and never want to be hurt again? Yep, I did that one.
Initially when my marriage ended to Edwardo, it was just ‘ok that’s it then’, we told the kids the next day and for a couple of days it was shock, there wasn’t any words to be said, I went back to work as usual and that’s when it hit me ‘my marriage has actually ended’, I walked into where I was working completely fine and then something hit me, a bit like how you would feel if a lorry had hit you I imagine, I was alone for the first time with out Edwardo, as strange as this all might sound, we might have broken up but we hadn’t spent any time apart, so alone for the first time my mind went off on its own and I went downstairs to my supervisor and stood there like a baby and said ‘my marriage has ended’ crying my eyes out for the first time, not really knowing what was going to come over the next few months, of course they sent me home, back to Edwardo, I had no other place to go as my parents don’t really understand emotions that well, I had no ‘real friends’, the only place I felt safe was my home and even though this might sound odd, the only person I felt safe with and understood how I was probably feeling was Edwardo.
I went to the doctors as soon as I could and I was signed off work, which ended up being over a month all in all, apart from a few nights with people from work, all my time was spent with him, this seems like a totally alien concept to me now, the man I was married too and just broken up with is the only person I spent all my time with, was it helping me? Probably not but I had no money to find somewhere to live and again, no where else to go.
A few weeks before Christmas I probably hit the lowest point of my life, myself, Edwardo and a mutual friend were due to go to an awards ceremony for something we had taken part in earlier in the year, we couldn’t get out of it no matter how hard we tried and stupidly there was a part of me that thought ‘maybe it might do us good’, the night resulted in me, in hospital with cuts from a razor all over my arms and my wrists and unconscious from all the sleeping pills I took, I woke up the next morning alone, no phone, nothing. I realised then I was actually alone in this world, there I was thankful I am still alive yet no one was with me (I found out a few months later Edwardo had gone with me to the hospital and stayed for as long as he could) my parents wasn’t there, no one, I have never felt more alone as I did then, even when I moved to Essex a couple of years later even though I felt alone day after day I wasn’t, right then laying there I really wished I hadn’t of woken up. I called my parents to see if they could come and pick me up and hopeful they might remove me from the apparent toxic environment I was in but I had to battle with my mum to even get her to agree my dad to pick me up, I had to wait until he had finished his job, there was their daughter that had just tried to take her own life and I had to wait until he finished work. I got into the car, with the hospital gown still on, my dad spoke few words and he dropped me back home, not to their home but to the home that was making me so depressed. I am an adult of 35 years of age then but right then, I felt like a child and all I wanted was my mum and dad to take me to there house, make a bed up on the sofa with my Manchester United duvet cover I still had there that the boys used when they stayed over and make me really sugary tea.
There was a couple of times I screamed at Edwardo in the street, there was a few times we had a fight, if I’m upset I want to run off and calm down but he would never let me, there were ripped t shirts and a bookcase go flying and even worse, my middle child said recently he heard me saying to his dad ‘let me go, your holding me prisoner’, I felt awful he heard all that but at the moment I wanted to run away and never come back.
What led to the break up? Two people that married young, one wanted to live a bit and the other didn’t, two people that were going in different directions, we still loved each other but one wanted something different, on their own but the other didn’t like it, I never liked him going out on his own, always wanted to be with him and not because I couldn’t trust him I just liked being out with him.
I moved out about four months after the break up, I moved out because of different reasons but the main one was he was a stay at home Dad and the boys were used to him being there and they came first. I may have moved out but spent all my free time there with them, I would have dinner with them and go home which in someways was just the worst thing in the world, we still acted like a happy family and in someways we were but I had to go home at the end of the night which broke my heart every time.
Over the next year or so I moved five times, three different houses and then twice back to Edwardo living on his sofa, the last time was a month before I moved to Essex so I could spend as much time with the boys as I could.
Our break up was the worst thing in the world for me at the time but had it not of happened, I wouldn’t be here now, it was the oddest break up I think anyone had ever seen but sitting here, looking back on it, the boys are happy, the boys had their mum and dad and despite us moving on and not being together anymore I think it helped them adjust, seeing their mum and dad still getting on, despite the few shouting matches and that horrible time I was in hospital, we still did it right, we did it our way and it taught me a lot of things and one of them is, you don’t have to live in your partners pocket the whole time and let them go out and do the things they want to do, I could spend all my time with the man who saved me but that’s not healthy, it’s helped me become a grown up and be in a relationship that is healthy and be our own people and not just one.